Marrying Someone with Sexual Fantasies

Marrying someone with sexual fantasies requires open communication, mutual understanding, and respect to ensure both partners feel comfortable and supported in their relationship.

As a marriage counselor, one of the most vulnerable topics that couples bring to my office is how to navigate sexual desires—particularly when one partner has fantasies that the other may not fully understand or share. If you’re about to marry someone who has shared their sexual fantasies with you—or if you’ve discovered them along the way—you’re not alone. This is more common than many think, and it doesn’t have to become a source of fear, shame, or division.

Let’s walk through how to handle this delicate issue with love, maturity, and emotional safety.

1. Acknowledge Your Initial Reactions Without Judgment

The first step is to be honest with yourself about how you feel. Are you shocked? Curious? Uncomfortable? Intrigued?

It’s normal to have a reaction—sexual fantasies can sometimes catch us off guard. But try not to respond immediately with judgment, shame, or criticism. Instead, sit with the feelings. Ask yourself, What part of this makes me uncomfortable? What am I afraid of?

Emotional maturity begins when we learn to process our reactions before projecting them onto our partners.

2. Create a Safe Space for Open Dialogue

Healthy marriages are built on transparency. If your partner has trusted you enough to share their sexual fantasies, consider it an invitation for deeper intimacy—not just physical, but emotional.

Let them know you’re open to talking about it—even if you don’t understand or agree with everything.

Use open-ended, non-accusatory language:

• “Can you help me understand where this fantasy comes from?”
• “What does this mean to you emotionally or psychologically?”
• “How important is this fantasy to your sexual identity?”

This builds emotional safety and shows you’re committed to understanding—not just tolerating—your partner.

3. Understand the Role of Fantasy in Sexual Identity

Not all fantasies are meant to be acted upon. Some are simply imaginative, cathartic, or symbolic. In counseling, I often ask couples to discern: Is this a need, a curiosity, or just a recurring thought?

For example, someone may fantasize about dominance or submission not because they want to live it out 24/7, but because it offers a form of emotional release. Others may be reenacting early experiences, trying to heal shame, or exploring power dynamics.

By understanding the “why” behind the fantasy, couples often find common ground—even when the surface-level details seem extreme or foreign.

4. Negotiate Boundaries and Mutual Consent

Now comes the practical part: What are you comfortable with? What’s a hard no?

Boundaries are not a rejection of your partner—they’re a form of self-love and mutual respect. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not comfortable with this,” and your partner is allowed to express what they hope for in your shared sex life.

Many couples find creative ways to incorporate elements of fantasy in ways that feel safe, respectful, and pleasurable for both parties. Others agree to keep some fantasies in the realm of imagination only.

Remember: Nothing should ever be done without enthusiastic, informed consent. If you feel pressured, manipulated, or unsafe—that’s a red flag, and professional support is warranted.

5. Seek Counseling If the Conversations Are Too Hard Alone

Sometimes couples hit a wall—they want to talk, but emotions are too high, or trauma is being triggered. This is where a trained therapist can help facilitate the dialogue in a way that feels grounded and non-judgmental.

Sexual compatibility isn’t about matching desires perfectly—it’s about growing in vulnerability, trust, and intimacy over time. Therapy can help you do just that.

6. Build a Marriage Rooted in Emotional and Sexual Honesty

Marriage is not just a contract—it’s a living relationship that requires regular care. The ability to talk about sensitive topics like sexual fantasies actually becomes a strength in your relationship. It shows you both are committed to truth, emotional intimacy, and mutual growth.

You don’t have to become someone you’re not. But you do have the power to co-create a sex life that honors both your values and your connection.

Marrying someone with sexual fantasies doesn’t have to be a threat to your relationship—it can be an opportunity for deeper honesty, emotional connection, and creative intimacy.

So if you’re facing this situation, take a breath. You don’t have to navigate it perfectly—you just have to show up with an open heart and a willingness to understand. That’s the beginning of real love.

FAQs: Marrying Someone with Sexual Fantasies

1. Is it normal for someone to have sexual fantasies while in a committed relationship or marriage?

Yes, it is completely normal. Most people have sexual fantasies, regardless of their relationship status. Fantasies don’t necessarily reflect dissatisfaction; they can stem from imagination, emotional needs, or past experiences.

2. Should I feel obligated to act out my partner’s sexual fantasy if I’m not comfortable with it?

No. Consent and comfort are essential in any sexual relationship. You should never feel obligated. Instead, explore if there are other ways to connect that feel safe and satisfying for both of you.

3. What if my partner’s fantasy makes me feel insecure or inadequate?

That’s a valid feeling. It’s important to talk about it openly with your partner or a counselor. Often, fantasies are not about replacing or rejecting a partner, but about exploring hidden parts of the self. Getting clarity can reduce anxiety and deepen connection.

4. Is it a red flag if my partner insists on acting out a fantasy I’m clearly uncomfortable with?

Yes, if your boundaries are not respected, that’s a serious concern. Healthy relationships honor mutual consent. Persistent pressure is a warning sign and may indicate deeper issues, including emotional coercion or lack of empathy.

5. Can fantasies change over time?

Absolutely. Just like interests, beliefs, and desires evolve, so can sexual fantasies. Ongoing communication helps couples stay in sync and adapt to these changes together.

6. Should we consider therapy just for this issue?

Yes—especially if conversations are leading to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or emotional distance. A sex-positive or relationship therapist can help you both unpack emotions, clarify needs, and explore compromises in a safe environment.

7. What if I also have fantasies but I’m afraid to share them?

You’re not alone. Many people struggle to share their own desires out of fear of judgment or rejection. However, marriage thrives on honesty. Consider choosing a calm moment to gently open up, or even write your thoughts if speaking feels too hard. Vulnerability often builds trust.

8. Are sexual fantasies the same as sexual preferences or orientation?

Not always. Fantasies are often symbolic or playful, and may not reflect a person’s identity or long-term desires. Preferences and orientation tend to be more consistent and integral to one’s sexual self.

9. Can sexual incompatibility ruin a marriage?

Sexual issues can cause stress, but they don’t have to end a relationship. With open communication, mutual respect, and sometimes professional support, many couples learn to bridge gaps and build a satisfying sex life that works for both.

10. Where can we get help if this becomes too overwhelming?

Look for a licensed marriage counselor, sex therapist, or couples’ coach who specializes in intimacy and communication. Organizations like AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) have directories to help you find trained professionals.