Doing Marriage Wrong

Doing marriage wrong often stems from poor communication, unmet expectations, and a lack of mutual effort, leading to emotional distance and unresolved conflicts between partners.

We don’t always get marriage right the first time—or even the second. Sometimes we dive in with starry eyes, fueled by romance, Pinterest wedding boards, and the fairytale myth. But when reality hits—dirty dishes, financial stress, emotional distance, unmet needs—it’s clear: we might be doing marriage wrong.

So what does “doing marriage wrong” really look like? And more importantly, what can we learn from it?

1. Making Your Spouse Your Everything

It’s romantic in movies—the idea that your partner completes you. But in real life, it’s too much pressure for one person to be your therapist, best friend, emotional support system, and spiritual guide. A healthy marriage thrives when both partners have outside support systems, hobbies, and space to grow individually.

2. Sweeping Problems Under the Rug

Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away. Silent treatments, fake smiles, and avoiding hard conversations only build emotional walls. Conflict isn’t the enemy—it’s how we handle conflict that makes or breaks a relationship. Doing marriage wrong often means fearing discomfort more than disconnection.

3. Keeping Score

You cooked, so they owe you. You apologized last, so they should do it this time. Scorekeeping turns love into a competition. Marriage isn’t 50/50—some days it’s 80/20. Real love shows up even when it’s inconvenient. If we’re tallying points, we’re already losing.

4. Expecting Change Instead of Accepting Reality

“I’ll marry them now, but they’ll change later.” This mindset is a trap. People do grow, but marriage is not a makeover project. Loving someone means accepting the version of them that exists today—not banking on their potential.

5. Neglecting Intimacy

Intimacy isn’t just sex—it’s touch, emotional openness, laughter, vulnerability, and feeling seen. When life gets busy, intimacy is often the first to go. But doing marriage wrong includes thinking connection is automatic. It’s not. It takes intentional effort and frequent check-ins.

6. Letting Resentment Take Root

Small irritations left unchecked can grow into deep bitterness. When we feel unheard, unappreciated, or taken for granted, and never talk about it, it shows up later—in tone, in silence, in distance. Resentment is the silent killer of marriages.

7. Forgetting to Be a Team

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but many couples fall into a “me vs. you” mindset. It’s easy to become adversaries instead of allies. Doing marriage wrong often looks like fighting each other instead of fighting for each other.

Growth Through the Mess

No one gets it perfect. Doing marriage “wrong” doesn’t make you a failure—it makes you human. Sometimes the missteps are exactly what we need to course-correct, learn, and build something stronger.

If you’ve recognized yourself in these points, you’re not alone. What matters is what you do next. Healing, reconnection, counseling, honest conversations—they’re all steps in the right direction.

Because doing marriage wrong isn’t the end of the story. It’s just a chapter.

FAQs: Doing Marriage Wrong

1: How do I know if I’m “doing marriage wrong”?

If you constantly feel unheard, unsupported, resentful, or emotionally distant from your partner, those are signs something is off. You might be repeating unhealthy patterns like avoiding conflict, keeping score, or neglecting intimacy. Recognizing it is the first step toward change.

2: Can a struggling marriage be fixed?

Absolutely. Many couples go through rough patches and come out stronger. With open communication, effort from both sides, and sometimes professional help like couples counseling, many relationships can heal and thrive.

3: What should I do if my partner isn’t willing to change?

You can’t force change, but you can express how their behavior affects you. Use “I” statements, stay calm, and be honest. If they remain unwilling to engage, consider therapy for yourself to gain clarity on your next steps.

4: What’s the difference between normal conflict and a toxic pattern?

Normal conflict is respectful, even if it’s intense. Toxic patterns involve yelling, manipulation, stonewalling, or emotional withdrawal. If you leave every argument feeling worse, hopeless, or scared, it’s a red flag.

5: How do we rebuild intimacy after doing things wrong for so long?

Rebuilding takes patience and vulnerability. Start small—intentional touch, open conversations, shared activities, and checking in emotionally. It also helps to set aside “us time” without distractions. Counseling can be a powerful tool in this phase.